Thursday, October 29, 2015

To jump or not to

When I wake up in the mornings, I feel tired, no--exhausted.

My mind has been exercising too much lately. It goes beyond what I just am allowed to do with my time. It flies away and does not cooperate with me and my body.

After, I'd feel disappointed for not being able to do what my mind has told me to do. With this, I neglected a lot of things. I've been busy externally, and my insides are craving for some rest, for spiritual refuge. For real food. The internet has a lot to do with this.

I wanted to be straightforward. Share my thoughts in my blog, but ended up wasting away plenty of minutes getting lost in social media. It does present a lot of things I wish I can do, and I think I can do.

I wanted to cook more, but because I wake up late I often ended rushing for work every morning. And no matter what, I'd still be so late and confused whether I'd eat breakfast or not.

I have wanted to plan away. A plot for escape and to open up in a whole new world. A different way to greet my morning, but tonight, I have reached the next day just because I spent the night on the Internet searching, searching for what I should do in the next next days, when I decide to cut one string from this life, and connect a new one.

There are times when I think I'm very sick, my very core is protesting for all the troubles I've put myself into.

I'd have mistakenly identify myself with my career. When it ends, I felt like I'd be lost in a stormy ocean. Without an identity. But all material designations are temporary anyway, so why be scared?

Why not jump now in the ocean? Why not?

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

On being an adult

When I was a teen-ager, I imagined myself at my age now as someone who has achieved a lot. Married. Maybe a child or two. Has a car and owns a neat cafe-slashed-bookstore, tucked in a cozy corner of a town near Manila.

All these images are of course not tangible now.
I'm single and financially struggling, dreaming to quit my job to just  waste away afternoons painting or immersed in literature with tea and dainty cake on the side. Sometimes, I dream of being  a mother, of knowing how to discipline my children, letting them eat healthily and sharing good laughs together--of course with my husband.

Admittedly, I don't feel like an adult most of the time, and far from being that "woman". I hate making difficult decisions or dealing with grown-ups, as well as dealing with money.

I used to think 28 is an old person. Sure of herself. Has met important people and just being chill. But in reality, it's not always that way. 

I know that this age is part of the quarter-life. You just went past 25 and now approaching 30. You have this gut feeling that whenever you talk with other people, they secretly rate you as a "success" or a "failure" based on what you have achieved at your age with all sort of measurements--from your education, career, number of relationships, places you've traveled and gadgets. And it's difficult to fit in these categories. 

By normal standards (note: social media) you'll see everyone stuffing into your face how successful they've become with their "good life". And what happened to me? You ask yourself.

What have I done? What have I learned? Where am I heading? You often pose this questions inside your head, while outwardly you make an impression that you don’t care, you're earning just enough money, have good times with friends and that's all right. I think this way sometimes.

But if I use all these standards shoved right in front of me. All these “normal” things people this age has done, I failed big time.

But I don't. While I see these standards as the world's nagging requirement to live "happily" I don't buy it. I may not be successful in normal terms. I have trials with money and I dress sloppily, not like my "real age". But I don't really regret a thing. And I have decided the path I’m going to take.

I made bucket lists, but it’s okay if I don’t tick all of them, or tick just a single item. I have a larger plan and it goes beyond this lifetime. I pose the same questions just as with everyone, what have I learned and where am I going?

And this blog is the account and recollection of this journey which goes beyond the clouds, across the universe.