On being an adult

When I was a teen-ager, I imagined myself at my age now as someone who has achieved a lot. Married. Maybe a child or two. Has a car and owns a neat cafe-slashed-bookstore, tucked in a cozy corner of a town near Manila.

All these images are of course not tangible now.
I'm single and financially struggling, dreaming to quit my job to just  waste away afternoons painting or immersed in literature with tea and dainty cake on the side. Sometimes, I dream of being  a mother, of knowing how to discipline my children, letting them eat healthily and sharing good laughs together--of course with my husband.

Admittedly, I don't feel like an adult most of the time, and far from being that "woman". I hate making difficult decisions or dealing with grown-ups, as well as dealing with money.

I used to think 28 is an old person. Sure of herself. Has met important people and just being chill. But in reality, it's not always that way. 

I know that this age is part of the quarter-life. You just went past 25 and now approaching 30. You have this gut feeling that whenever you talk with other people, they secretly rate you as a "success" or a "failure" based on what you have achieved at your age with all sort of measurements--from your education, career, number of relationships, places you've traveled and gadgets. And it's difficult to fit in these categories. 

By normal standards (note: social media) you'll see everyone stuffing into your face how successful they've become with their "good life". And what happened to me? You ask yourself.

What have I done? What have I learned? Where am I heading? You often pose this questions inside your head, while outwardly you make an impression that you don’t care, you're earning just enough money, have good times with friends and that's all right. I think this way sometimes.

But if I use all these standards shoved right in front of me. All these “normal” things people this age has done, I failed big time.

But I don't. While I see these standards as the world's nagging requirement to live "happily" I don't buy it. I may not be successful in normal terms. I have trials with money and I dress sloppily, not like my "real age". But I don't really regret a thing. And I have decided the path I’m going to take.

I made bucket lists, but it’s okay if I don’t tick all of them, or tick just a single item. I have a larger plan and it goes beyond this lifetime. I pose the same questions just as with everyone, what have I learned and where am I going?

And this blog is the account and recollection of this journey which goes beyond the clouds, across the universe.